It’s my birthday today — thank you for the wishes. 🥳
I’m a true Aquarius with an overactive analytical brain, so much so that even my horoscope for the week agrees:
“Most of the time, your lively and inventive mind is one of your greatest assets. It illuminates the world around you, and it makes your interior life sparkle. The trouble is your intellect is quick and sharp enough that you can think your way into believing just about anything,” — Madame Clairevoyant, The Cut. 😎
It’s true and I have never felt more seen. The changes in my life that I sometimes hate so much, are the only real constant as I realize there’s nothing left to actually figure out. We just have to do.
While having a winter birthday SUCKS, it forces me to reflect on the kind of person I am. Have I been good this past year? To others? To myself? Am I honoring my truth? Am I kind to my neighbors? Am I helping grannies cross the road? Each year, these are the kind of moral-poking questions I use as a measure to help guide me forward. If I was a summer baby, I’d probably have no time for this fuckery at all. 😂
Here’s where I’ve netted out: you can’t complete a self-reflection evaluation without cross-examining the empirical evidence in your present. For me, this means zooming in on my relationships: whether romantic, platonic, lifelong, or fresh as a daisy, the people in my life mirror all the different parts of me, even the ones I don’t quite understand. Looking back, this has always mattered.
When I was 13, my then P.E. teacher Mr. Brookes suggested that I channel my teenage rage into some sporting activities. He thought rugby would be a good outlet for my anger. As a 4 ft 10 little thing, you could say I had a Napoleon complex feeling just as much entitled to a summer birthday as I do extra vertical space. So I joined and this is where I physically learned that I was a small part (no pun) of something bigger. Being part of the rugby team (and later the women’s football league) helped me realize that my rage was secondary to making sure everyone had a chance to shine so we could literally all win. And somehow I didn’t mind rolling around in the mud to learn it.
Thank you Marleisse, I literally couldn’t have said better myself. ❤️
I don’t want to keep reminding everyone about how strange the times we are living in are. Everyone I know is finding different ways to cope and move through their shit. And all of that’s okay. There’s no right or wrong here. As players in life, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can shift and adapt and still find ways to show up and care and it does start with having an understanding of where you are.
A lot of my own personal work has been grounded in relearning some of the lifelong habits that force me to self-sabotage. Learned behaviors and cultural “norms” have taught me that I need to take care of everyone first and if I’m too busy doing that, then there’s definitely no time to take care of myself. The only way out of this is reaching breaking point, which naturally if you’re somewhat connected to your feelings you will do. It’s taken a lot to get to a point where I believe that I can be a good friend, partner, sister, daughter, etc. IF I actually put myself first. And there’s nothing selfish about it. There’s a common contingency here:
If I can be really good to me, I can be really good to you.
Rugby may have been one of the earlier lessons but it definitely wasn’t the last. In the past twenty years many a breakup — both romantic and platonic — have forced me to look in the mirror, identify the patterns (not all are toxic) and make the changes that I haven’t been able to see due to blind spots or lack of growth and awareness. It’s also to okay to just not be there yet — as with anything, it takes practice:
That shit they say about being patient and giving it time is really true. So as I turn 32 today and dust that shit off, I’m choosing to focus less on what I want this year and more on what we all need to course correct the patriarchal and oppressive systems that don’t serve us (read: middle fingers up to it all). Because without community, who are we? That’s my real wish.
And in the spirit of birthday gifts, BROOMS FOR EVERYONE BITCHES!
🧹🧹🧹🧹🧹🧹🧹🧹🧹🧹
Lysm,
H x
Happy Birthday beautiful daughter keep shining, I miss you love you.
Happy birthday angel, I'm so glad you exist.