During this morning’s therapy sesh, I came to a conclusion that I’ve felt brewing for a while but haven’t quite figured out how to articulate. As I sat on Zoom, effing and blinding about this hideous world, I finally said it: “I’m still mourning the life we never got to have.” There it was. Out loud. I took a sip from my empty coffee cup — a nervous tick — and let the words swirl in the air. I knew my therapist was on board because she quoted me and we made a little action plan.
I guess the part I didn’t know was just how heavy these words were and how far the truth behind them spans. Micro/macro-cosm type shit. Some days, it feels like I’m mourning thousands of past lives, built-up pain that lives in the body, trapped under my belly fat which I used to think was all martinis and Popeyes but is mostly likely trauma. Still, we move.
Most days I feel like I’m mourning what we could have been. There are 2 “we’s” here but the “we” I’m talking about specifically in this context is any Black, Brown, and Indigenous person who was born into a world that was not made for them. All the hopes and dreams that could have been, had systems been set up for us to thrive. But here I am, in between an ssense sale and a hard place. Learning and unlearning all that we’ve been conditioned to think and believe by colonizers. And this shit is like Pandora’s fucking box. Once you open it, that’s it. You can’t unsee it. So I’m back to feeling like two people again, except this time the truth is a bit more comforting because there's an actual truth that’s being told.
“Now ever since my birth, I've been cursed, since I'm born to wile
In case I never get to holla at my unborn child.” — Tupac, Letter to my unborn child
👆🏽 mood.
I’ve learned a lot about grief this past year. Mostly you have to become best mates with it in a weird way because it lives with you. There’s no such thing as getting rid. It’s like a lingering ghost. The very presence of grief is proof that we’re alive. That roses can still blossom even when they grow from concrete (okay, did not know this was gonna be a Tupac tribute piece).
So as I mourn you, I mourn everything else we’ve all ever lost. And the list is long.
I mourn the babies in Palestine, and the families that raised them. And pray not only for their freedom, but that they get the chance to grieve. 🇵🇸
Wishing you all rest and love x
oh this one hit, thank you for sharing. these words might be some of your deepest <3
👌🏾✊🏾