The search for peace — like actual inner peace that’s so tangible you can reach inside yourself and grab it — has recently come to me in the most unexpected form.
Two letters, one syllable.
Not a vacation or a silent retreat. Not a yoga class or a bath. Not a joint before deep sleep. Not the Proenza Spike mesh mules. Although they would be nice (size 5.5 if ya feeling generous). Not drinks or loud music. Not psychedelics. Not crystal bracelets or advice from YouTube gurus.
Just two letters, one syllable:
NO.
And unlike other western forms of “self-care”, this tiny little word is free. You don’t need to like, subscribe, comment, or burn a hole in your wallet to feel the calming effects on your parasympathetic nervous system.
The latest introduction of this word into my everyday vocabulary didn’t just happen overnight. Like most things, it started with an intention and has been months in the making. It all began at the top of 2024 when I decided to forgo resolutions and goals given that the world is perpetually burning. Balls deep into Q2, and it still doesn’t feel quite right to sit and ruminate on what kind of Pinterest-style life I want right now. We have students on campuses risking their entire futures just to speak the truth so the least I can do is focus on the basics. My intention is still clear: “This year, I’m going to say NO more.” And fuck, it’s been hard.
Last week I said “NO” to a couple of things with friends that I wanted to do, but inevitably would have taken me away from stuff I really needed to focus on. There are so many nuances between the words ‘need’, and ‘want’ that they manifested physically. It was WILD to observe what happened in my body when I said those two letters. NO. I felt hot in the face. Antsy. Couldn’t settle or sit still for a minute. Eventually I calmed down and found the P-word, but it took your girl a minuteeeeeeee. Now there are a lot of you ‘round here that probably don’t see this as something remotely revolutionary. There are a lot of you ‘round here that I am constantly inspired by, who say “no” like it’s their first language. Like your brain doesn’t need time to process anything. Like you're good at it. And I’m happy for you and your cognitive-developed reflex.
I’m also jealous. I’ve spent much of my life on the flip side of the coin — tails you lose. I know, I know, I know, it’s hard to imagine an extrovert with a big mouth like me even struggling with this but it’s true. Saying “yes” has become part of my brand identity, and now I would like to give it back. Fold it neatly like a restaurant napkin and throw it away. Like most things, it didn’t just start with me. I know it’s unfair to blame my ancestors for shit they can’t even defend themselves on but self preservation isn’t exactly in my nature. The women in my family, for the most part, have never been asked to do anything. They’ve been told. It’s an expectation covered up as a cultural norm. Saying the word “no” isn’t really an option. But resilience is in my nature. So we move.
And don’t worry, I know this is not just a brown thing. The shitty news is that we can apply this kind of thinking to women as a whole. I recently read a Time article about how self-silencing is making women sick: “In the late 1980s, Harvard-trained psychologist Dana Jack identified a recurring theme among female patients suffering from depression: a tendency to self-silence, defined as “the propensity to engage in compulsive caretaking, pleasing the other, and inhibition of self-expression in relationships in an attempt to achieve intimacy and meet relational needs.” Through longitudinal research, Jack found that this learned behavior, strongly rooted in gender norms, was linked to an increased risk of depression.” Sigh.
Yea yea yea, we got the damn vote, but what else did we really get? It’s 2024 and we’re still fighting for our rights to bodily autonomy. The other day I was casually thinking about consent, and without going too far down a rabbit hole, was blown away by the number of times I said “yes” to things (both sexual and not) because it was easier.
Saying “NO” has been a really important part of my healing process. It’s allowed me to feel more embodied, more present. I didn’t realize just how many small daily decisions I was saying “yes” to, that piled up like an infestation inside of me. Fuck a parasite cleanse bro, I need to chill out on all this cortisol I’m producing out of sheer fucking panic of letting people down. I started to understand just how cyclical this pattern really was, and that I’ve been contributing to it non-stop for like… YEARS. It’s difficult when you’re smart and can trick yourself into believing that you don’t actually believe. I’m tired just writing it out.
For a while I’ve been wrestling with focus on certain projects in my life. Writing is one of them. Movement is another. I’ve been baffled at my lack of commitment to things I claim to care so much about. Am I just lazy or talking shit? Do I not have what it takes? After much shame spiraling, I pretty much land at the same conclusion every time: I’m not trying hard enough, I need to be better with my time, and exercise self-discipline. Major fucking eye roll. But lately, as I continue to get a hold of my codependency and become conscious of my own behavioral trends, I’m starting to learn that I expend a lot of energy in doing things I think I should do, and what others want me to do, versus what I deeply need to do for. Instead of beating myself up about not being disciplined enough, I’m focusing my efforts on being mindful of all my daily choices. Even if it takes up more brain space, it’s a muscle that needs exercising. 🧠 💪🏽
Language is power is everything. Having words for articulating how we feel makes shit more tangible and easier to grasp. I loved this post from Atmos on Earth Day about changing the way we talk about ourselves and the planet in order to step away from capitalist ideals.
It’s a reminder that we can always change our mind. We can always do things differently. Again, maybe you don’t need to hear this. But if you do, just know you’re not alone.
Two letters, one syllable.
It ain’t that deep.
Your peace is worth it.
Friends, I love you, please keep making plans with me and know that I’ll NEVER say “NO” to an extra dirty gin martini with two olives — of which I’ll only eat one.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3
🍉 Free Palestine 🍉
💯❤️
Proud of you No the Word