You deserve it all

wrapping up birthday and love month lol 🫶🏽

I hope whoever made me a February baby deeply regrets it lol.

Nah forreal though. While I’ve been leaning into all of winter’s abundance these past few years: slowness, reflection, nourishment, and nature’s need to hibernate, I somehow still felt Elsa-bitter about stepping into six inches of snow in a black satin platform pump and sequin mini dress on Sat Feb 8th.

Thank you to everyone that came out for a birthday drink a few weeks ago; your effort and resilience amongst the backdrop of blizzard did not go unnoticed.

2024

Last year was the first time I decided that I would no longer spend my birthday in a winter climate. IDGAF if it’s skiing in the newest Aspen and Skepta’s serving me drinks naked. I’m not doing it. As a brown girl, my heart and body ache for the sun and the life it gives me. The tan ain’t so bad either. So like many other remote workers, I decided to piss off for the month and spent it bopping around Mexico.

I had a few places on my hit list but the most surprising and unplanned (usually the best) happened when I met a coworker-turned-true-friend in Oaxaca city and we ended up in Puerto Escondido for 5 days. Apparently the highway they had been building for the last decade was finally open (HBD to me!) turning the 8 hour gut wrenching commute through the mountains into a 2.5 hour easy breezy coach ride.

It was the life-changing wake up call I needed: 30 degree temps in Feb in a buzzing surf town where you basically walk around barefoot or in flip flops, mostly naked on the back of a scooter, eating the coconut shrimp taco from Fish Shack and drinking Mezcalitas. I couldn’t believe a life like this existed. Right there and then, nude in our private pool, we vowed to come back next year and do it all over again.

2025

I break promises to myself all the time. It’s a lot easier for me to let myself down than others so I was surprised when my girlfriend got on my ass last fall to book the trip we said we would. And so we did lol.

After a lot of shit talking about never doing another bday in NYC and a month long trip back home to the UK over Christmas, I decided I’d venture to my lil beach lyfe the second half of the month. By the time Feb 1st rolled around I instantly regretted it.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the depression. I thought I had made winter my bitch. I was obsessed with spending time at home, organizing neglected drawers, slow cooking amazing things, reading my way through revolution, and cozying up. When I did leave the house it was for low maintenance stuff like popping to 3 pole classes a week and to friend’s houses to rinse and repeat.

But then my mind took over. I was in a full existential spiral about every single thing: processing some fam stuff from the holidays, turning 35 and being alone, the fuckery that is apparently today’s government, genocides, climate crisis, and more. It was and still is a heaviness that so many of us are navigating right now. And I truly don’t think I’d have gotten through it without all of the love in my life.

To the angels that took my bday off to take me to lunch at Carbone (balance), to dropping off a Tupperware of curry, to the phone calls and check ins, and just being surrounded by community. From vision board to gym sessions, walks and hugs, I was reminded time and time again that we will get us through. There’s a reason Valentine’s Day is in Feb after all.

20 things from Oaxaca and Puerto Escondido so far

Another promise I made was to publish here at least once a month so I’m writing this from a rooftop pool of a hotel overlooking La Punta beach, while waiting for the sunset. Privilege check.

I’ve been in Mexico for almost two weeks now and since I never process in real time, it’ll take me a while to circle back and reflect but here are some notes:

1. What a beautiful thing it is to be a brown woman, traveling, walking around this city in the early evening and feel safe.

2. No one is shy of romance or PDA and I fuck with that heavy. There are lovers everywhere. Holding hands. Making out. Laying in the park.

3. The natural wine bar next to my hotel is so clutch.

4. People literally do not walk around glued to their phones here. It’s refreshing.

5. I ate a sandwich in the park today. That’s the story.

6. It’s jarring working in tech and being here.

7. I’m so tired of the hustle. I just wanna be and live soft.

8. A bartender at the mezcal bar told me to just move here.

9. Love how accepting Oaxacans are of people not being able to speak Spanish vs. the other way around. Colonizers would never smh.

10. It reminds me of Panjab here.

11. I don’t wanna be ruled by my phone.

12. Who knew kimchi and camembert would go so well together?

13. I love my $10 cotton skirt from the market vs. the $100 on dissh.

14. I can’t believe the libraries here are this beautiful and free. I can’t believe I just sat here and flipped through a book about nude in art for an hour.

15. I need a lover who’ll bring me a concha and coffee every morning!!!! Non negosh!

16. A man at the taco stand gave up sitting next to his wife and baby just so we could sit down.

17. Kendrick is a universal language.

18. Went for a nightcap at Nois and got a private bolero performance.

19. My nervous system feels 1000000% calmer.

20. The sun!!!!!!!!!!

Rest is resistance

When I was spiraling a few weeks ago, my therapist reinforced that I need to compartmentalize otherwise I’m gonna lose my shit. My words, not hers.

I have an immense amount of gratitude for being able to take this trip. For being able to healthily disassociate from the news and feed cycles for a beat. For re-evaluating and reframing. For turning 35. For this able body. And for all those I love, who love me back.

As much as you can, give yourself the things you need. You deserve them. ❤️